Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Looked Everywhere?

Dear Children,
    We seem to have a misunderstanding regarding the meaning of the word 'everywhere'.   This has become apparent during the last several episodes of "Mom!  I can't find <insert item here>!  I've looked everywhere!".  You seem to think that 'everywhere' means "the view from your bedroom doorway for a duration of 3 seconds".   I'm not sure where you acquired that definition, but I would be remiss in my parental duties if I didn't correct  this.  
   "Everywhere" as defined by our old pal Webster's as "in every place or part".  To be more specific "every" is defined as "all possible".  Therefore "everywhere" means "in all possible places or parts".  
    When you come to me all panicked because you can't find something and you tell me you've 'looked everywhere in your room', I am assuming you have, in fact, looked 'in all possible places' in your room.    Yet, it becomes obvious, when I find the missing item quickly be looking under the dirty towels on the floor, that you did not actually 'look everywhere'.  I know I am "the Great Finder of Lost Things", but lets save the super power for things that are not hiding in plain sight. 

Love, Mom  

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Parental Rite of Passage - #8 Rule Breaking

8) -  Your child pushes the boundaries, finds a loophole, or just blatantly breaks a rule in such a creative way that you are impressed, horrified, and tempted to let them get away with it, all at the same time.  This morning my son woke me up at 6 am to notify me that he was starting his 6 hours of electronics free time  then - at 6 am.  He then promptly went back to bed.  Technically, yes, sleeping does not involve the use of electronics.  Well played, my boy, well played....

Friday, June 24, 2011

Nesting

A few years ago we built our son a loft.   It was a delusional attempt to help him keep his room clean by giving him more floor and shelf space.  Even though that particular experiment was an abysmal failure, it did allow us to study the aerial nesting habits of the American Tween.  Yes, I said "nesting".  I have long held a hypothesis that there are many similarities between children and critters.  Anyone who has had a dog and a toddler at the same time can't help but notice the similarities!  When left to his own devices, my son 'feathers his nest'.   He fills up the space next to the wall with books, electronics, laundry (the state of which is heretofore unknown), and empty (I hope) cups.  To the untrained eye, it could be interpreted that he "keeps crap in his loft".  To the parent-naturalist this is a gold mine!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

We're LATE!

Dear Daughter,
  I apologize for my assumption that your being outside on the swings meant that you were ready for school.   It had never occurred to me that you would be swinging as a form of primitive hair drying prior to eating your breakfast.   As creative as that is, we are now late and you have not eaten.  Rolling your eyes, as if I'm the crazy one, will not turn back the clock.  Get in the car!!

Love,
Mom

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Pillow Fight

Children!

I have not authorized a pillow fight!  You have not filed the proper paperwork with the household government.  Therefore you are in violation of household statute XT3752.49.   Therefore, any and all complaints regarding injuries or unfair play will be ignored.

Thank-you.
Mom

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Humor

My children don't think I'm funny anymore.  What is it about their impending puberty that makes them lose their sense of humor?!?!    The irony is that they lose their sense of humor, and as a parent, if you don't have one, you'll NEVER survive!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Laundry

Dear Children,
     Contrary to popular belief, leaving your clothing on your bedroom floor does not somehow, magically result in clean clothing.   The floor of your bedroom is not some miraculous, flat, carpeted washer/dryer combo.  I realize that the confusion may lie in the fact that you never put your clean clothing away, so it inevitably ends up on the floor mingling with the dirty clothing.  What's dirty? What's clean?  Does rubbing the dirty clothes against the clean ones result in cleaner dirty clothes? What are the transitive properties of laundry?  I, too, have contributed to this confusion since I have, on occasion, ventured into your room to collect dirty laundry, which once clean, I have placed with your other clean clothing for you to put away.    
     There is, however, a magical floor in the bathroom that will result in clean clothing - it is at the bottom of the laundry chute!  This remarkable place exists a mere 5 feet from your bedroom doors!  Kick your clothing that extra distance and you'll be amazed!

Mom

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Okay, okay!

You say 'Okay, okay', as if you understand.
But I know what you really mean is "Mom, please shut up so I can go and off and ignore what you just said".

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The OTHER Parenting Rights of Passage

We've all come to expect the usual celebrated rights of passage - the first words, the first steps, going off to Kindergarten, etc.   I've discovered that there are other, less celebrated, but equally important events - so I'm going to chronicle them here!  In fact, this list serves an important function to reassure us that our children are normal and that we are not the first parents to have to deal with this stuff!

Parenting Rites of Passage - Part I

1)  The first haircut - that they give themselves.    Scissors are fascinating to children.  Given the opportunity, they will test them to the full extent of available materials - including their, or their unsuspecting sibling's, hair.  The timing of the haircut will be the most inconvenient possible - let's face it, if we weren't crazy busy and wrapped up in other things, our kids would have never been left alone, with access to scissors, long enough for anything untoward to happen.  The result is invariably the inspiration for some of the hairstyles one sees in runway fashion shows.
2)  Yelling "You've ruined my life!" in a fit of anger.   My daughter did this at 5.  I thought, "Wow! That was easy! My work here is done."
3)  Declaring "You need to take me to the craft store to get <insert item here> for my project" the night before said project, which they had never mentioned before, is due.   We just went through this.  I was in denial that my kids would ever pull this.  I don't know why.
4)  Criticizing your clothing.  My daughter just started this, except that she chooses to insult the outfits that I know are nice - because I get compliments on them all the time.  She's still working on her fashion sense.   Since she requested the face painter at a recent school event give her a uni-brow, mustache, and goatee, I think it may be a while.
5)  Learning about the power of swear words.   We have now had entire dinner conversations about swearing, what swear words mean, why are they considered taboo etc.  So far my kids are more likely to correct me for swearing than the reverse.   I prefer it that way, but I'm pretty sure my mother would prefer I didn't swear so much!
6) Your children discover music that you hate.  No matter how cool your think your musical tastes are, your children will find that special genre of Pop-Opera-Techno-Country that will make your skin crawl.   Usually around 4 or 5th grade a particular radio station will be deemed the "cool" station by the forces at school that determine such things.  This radio station is in no way "cool" or even "good", but it will be requested on all car trips.  Pray that it has a short range.   Don't delude yourself that their MP3 player or portable radio will save you.  It won't.  They will find a reason that entire vehicle needs to listen.  Loudly.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Inventions...

This morning my son handed me something to put in his backpack while he went to go brush his teeth.
Why he didn't put it in his backpack himself on his way from the kitchen to the bathroom - since he had to walk right past it - I'll never know.   Regardless,  I'm a nice Mom so I agreed to do it.  I was in the middle of some critical web surfing at the time so it took me a minute to get to it.  He still had 8 minutes before the bus, there was plenty of time for me to walk the 5 feet from the table to where his backpack lay on the floor and insert said item.  During this minute and 1/2 of delay in completing my assigned task my dear son wasn't actually off brushing his teeth, he was regaling me with a diatribe on toothbrushes.  Perhaps talking about them is akin to using them in the mind of an 11 year old?  At the point where he realized I hadn't yet jumped up to complete my aforementioned errand, he stopped his tale of toothbrushes, and said "Well?!?!?!?"   Suitably humbled, I got up to complete my task and he continued discussing toothbrushes.  While I was unzipping his backpack, he came up behind me and said "Do you know what they should
invent?!"   Patient children, my friend.  They should invent patient children.