I would have taken your word for it.....

Dear Daughter,

      While I appreciate your attempts to eat vegetables, I would have taken your word for it that the celery had gone bad.  Really.

Love, Mom

(If you can't quite make out the writing on the note, it says 'Barf')

Weapon of Revenge?

Dear Son,
      I admit that I was being obnoxious.   I was dancing around the kitchen and singing while you were trying to play a video game.   I also admit that, yes, it was probably my fault that your guy died when I whispered the lyrics in your ear and kissed you on the neck.  However,  that does not excuse using biological weapons to retaliate.  Farts are not weapons of revenge!

Love Mom

New Name....

Dear Children,
    You have used up your daily allotment of the word "Mom".  If you would desire my attention at any point during the rest of the day, you need to address me in the following way: "Dearest Mother, generous woman who gave me life, giver of all good things, maker of cookies,  I humbly beseech you to grant me a few moments of your precious time and patience."     Your 'Mom' allotment resets at midnight.  I suggest you use it wisely tomorrow.

Love, Mom (I still get to use the word, so there!)

PS - Bowing and curtsying and unsolicited cleaning are also encouraged to earn my favor.

Evil Fighting Fashions...

Dear Daughter and BFF,
    I applaud your desire to become superheros and purge the evil from the world.  However, I have to caution you regarding your current design ideas regarding your crime fighting disguise.   I recommend that you avoid wearing anything that may interfere with your ability to fight crime.  In other words, you need to rethink the tube tops.

Love Mom

PS -  Your brother is NOT evil.  There should be no attempts to purge him.  You have been warned.

I am your Mother. I am not ... #2 (no not THAT #2, although I'm not that either....)

I am your Mother - I am not a pack mule.  Yes, I am the one who is holding our place in line to get popcorn while you all go to the bathroom before the movie.   That does not mean that I also want to hold all your stuff!  Just take your sweatshirts, book, purse, and 3D glasses with you!  You've piled it in my arms so high, I will be forced to dance the "Don't Drop the Stuff Tango" while trying to get money out to pay for the popcorn.   And, Dear Son, you have no right to get mad if I lose your place in your book when you place it precariously on top of the stuff in my arms. Why did you bring a book to the movies anyway?!?

The Rules Have Not Changed!

Dear Children,
    Eating in the living room is against the rules. It has been for a long time and this rule has not changed.  Yes, occasionally I'll bend the rules and allow us to have popcorn on the sofa, or even dinner for a special treat.  And yes, when you're ill I let you eat in the living room so you don't have to move.  These are special occasions and do not indicate a permanent modification of the rules.
    "Why?", you may ask, "Do I not allow you to consume tasty morsels while comfortably ensconced on the sofa, partaking of your favorite animated entertainment?"  My answer, dear children, can be summed up in one word - CRUMBS.  You leave crumbs.  No matter what you are eating, or how carefully you claim to eat it, you leave crumbs!  Crumbs everywhere - Sticking to my feet or my arms or my legs, trapped in the back of my knees.....  AAAUGH! It's awful!  NO. MORE. CRUMBS!
Love,
 Mom

PS - I allow you to have fruit in the living room, but only because fruit does not produce crumbs.  However, if start finding sticky spots ....

Parental Rite of Passage - #10 - The Rear View Mirror Glare Stare...

10)  You are driving along the road, and innocently look into the rear view mirror only to see the angry sullen eyes of the child that you FORCED to come along with you.   Whatever the reason they had to come along, they are annoyed with you and are staring at the back of your head, hoping to telepathically relay how angry they are that they are forced to attend this trip into stupidity.

Today I made my daughter come along with me to my hair appointment because she's not quite old enough to be home alone, while I'm that far away, for that long.  She positioned herself in the middle of the back seat of the minivan - which really maximized the effect of the rear view mirror glare stare.  Today I handled it by turning around at a stop light and making faces at her until she cracked a smile.  I'm thinking that won't work a second time.