Laundry Baskets

Dear Children,
   I admit it.  Your father and I are guilty of setting a bad example.  We have been guilty of putting off folding the laundry.  We have gone for days choosing our outfits from the unfolded laundry in the baskets.  I now see that this was an unintended bad example that we must now rectify.  For the record:  laundry baskets are not intended for permanent storage of clothing.  You have been supplied with a closet* and a dresser* for this purpose.    Therefore, when we put a basket of folded laundry in your room, it is (and always has been) expected that you will put the laundry away.  So please, put your laundry away.  I need an empty basket for the load of underwear that just finished.

Love,
Mom

*In case you have trouble finding them: The closet is the rectangular inset in your wall with the slide-y doors.  It currently is full of the stuff you pushed in there when you 'cleaned' your room.  The dresser is the large rectangular block next to your book cases with the drawers.  The drawers open and you can put stuff in them.  It is not, as you seem to believe, a fancy raised platform for your dirty dishes.

Antique? No, that can't possibly be considered an antique!

My daughter wants a typewriter for Christmas.  Lately she's been fascinated by 'older' technology.  She found her Dad's old ketchup bottle shaped telephone in the basement recently.  She brought it upstairs and insisted we plug it in.  For the next several days she made all her calls from that phone and quickly found solutions to the limitations of an old phone - lack of mobility and the need to remember phone numbers.  So, now she wants a typewriter.  When I was her age (10) typewriters were ubiquitous.  PC's and word processing were in their infancy.  I can understand her fascination with that satisfying clicky clack of the keys.  However, typewriters are hard to come by these days.  When I mentioned that they didn't make typewriters anymore, she simply said "Look in an antique store."  OUCH!

Imitations or Reflections?

Never allow a 10 year old to do an impression of you.  They will mock your Diet Coke habit* and then continue with a very unflattering interpretation of household politics and policies.  Although it does provide confirmation of what I've suspected all along - they do hear what I say, they just choose to ignore it.   I am also a supreme nag.    

*Maybe that's just me.

Weapon of Revenge?

Dear Son,
      I admit that I was being obnoxious.   I was dancing around the kitchen and singing while you were trying to play a video game.   I also admit that, yes, it was probably my fault that your guy died when I whispered the lyrics in your ear and kissed you on the neck.  However,  that does not excuse using biological weapons to retaliate.  Farts are not weapons of revenge!

Love Mom

New Name....

Dear Children,
    You have used up your daily allotment of the word "Mom".  If you would desire my attention at any point during the rest of the day, you need to address me in the following way: "Dearest Mother, generous woman who gave me life, giver of all good things, maker of cookies,  I humbly beseech you to grant me a few moments of your precious time and patience."     Your 'Mom' allotment resets at midnight.  I suggest you use it wisely tomorrow.

Love, Mom (I still get to use the word, so there!)

PS - Bowing and curtsying and unsolicited cleaning are also encouraged to earn my favor.

Evil Fighting Fashions...

Dear Daughter and BFF,
    I applaud your desire to become superheros and purge the evil from the world.  However, I have to caution you regarding your current design ideas regarding your crime fighting disguise.   I recommend that you avoid wearing anything that may interfere with your ability to fight crime.  In other words, you need to rethink the tube tops.

Love Mom

PS -  Your brother is NOT evil.  There should be no attempts to purge him.  You have been warned.

I am your Mother. I am not ... #2 (no not THAT #2, although I'm not that either....)

I am your Mother - I am not a pack mule.  Yes, I am the one who is holding our place in line to get popcorn while you all go to the bathroom before the movie.   That does not mean that I also want to hold all your stuff!  Just take your sweatshirts, book, purse, and 3D glasses with you!  You've piled it in my arms so high, I will be forced to dance the "Don't Drop the Stuff Tango" while trying to get money out to pay for the popcorn.   And, Dear Son, you have no right to get mad if I lose your place in your book when you place it precariously on top of the stuff in my arms. Why did you bring a book to the movies anyway?!?

The Rules Have Not Changed!

Dear Children,
    Eating in the living room is against the rules. It has been for a long time and this rule has not changed.  Yes, occasionally I'll bend the rules and allow us to have popcorn on the sofa, or even dinner for a special treat.  And yes, when you're ill I let you eat in the living room so you don't have to move.  These are special occasions and do not indicate a permanent modification of the rules.
    "Why?", you may ask, "Do I not allow you to consume tasty morsels while comfortably ensconced on the sofa, partaking of your favorite animated entertainment?"  My answer, dear children, can be summed up in one word - CRUMBS.  You leave crumbs.  No matter what you are eating, or how carefully you claim to eat it, you leave crumbs!  Crumbs everywhere - Sticking to my feet or my arms or my legs, trapped in the back of my knees.....  AAAUGH! It's awful!  NO. MORE. CRUMBS!
Love,
 Mom

PS - I allow you to have fruit in the living room, but only because fruit does not produce crumbs.  However, if start finding sticky spots ....

Parental Rite of Passage - #9 You Are Officially an Idiot.

9)  The first time your child looks at you with that look of annoyance and pity that says "How can you be so clueless?  I can't believe I am your offspring, because I'm so smart and with it and know what I'm talking about - but you?  You are completely out of touch and have no idea.  It's so embarrassing!"

I still have not gotten this look from my son and I am savoring the remaining days until it happens.   My daughter came out of the womb dubious of my parental qualifications and abilities.   Of course, she had a 9 month amniotic-fluid-muffled preview.  Apparently she wasn't impressed.

Time to get ready for bed!

Dear Daughter,

     Why do you act so surprised and confused when we tell you it's time to get ready for bed?  You always seem baffled by our request.  It appears that you have no idea what "getting ready for bed" actually involves.  Yet, it happens every night at the same time and it is comprised of the same 3 activities!  This list has not changed in quite some time -  Brush your teeth, go potty, and get in your bed!  I don't even care what you wear to bed, I'm not that picky.  "Getting ready for bed" happens with such regularity that you could plan your day around it (I know I do).  Is the problem that, at 9 years old, you can only remember the last 23 hours of your life and therefore truly have no recollection of what you did last night at this time?  

PS - I know that you never really brushed your teeth last night, even though you told me you did.  I was just to tired to care.

I am your Mother. I am not ...

...a tissue.   I realize that I am easier to spot and generally in closer proximity to you than a box of tissues.  But seriously - EEEW!  I am you Mother, I am not a tissue!   I have enough trouble keeping my shirts clean on my own.  I do not need your assistance.

Looked Everywhere?

Dear Children,

    We seem to have a misunderstanding regarding the meaning of the word 'everywhere'.   This has become apparent during the last several episodes of "Mom!  I can't find <insert item here>!  I've looked everywhere!".  You seem to think that 'everywhere' means "the view from your bedroom doorway for a duration of 3 seconds".   I'm not sure where you acquired that definition, but I would be remiss in my parental duties if I didn't correct  this.  

   "Everywhere" as defined by our old pal Webster's as "in every place or part".  To be more specific "every" is defined as "all possible".  Therefore "everywhere" means "in all possible places or parts".  

    When you come to me all panicked because you can't find something and you tell me you've 'looked everywhere in your room', I am assuming you have, in fact, looked 'in all possible places' in your room.    Yet, it becomes obvious, when I find the missing item quickly be looking under the dirty towels on the floor, that you did not actually 'look everywhere'.  I know I am "the Great Finder of Lost Things", but lets save the super power for things that are not hiding in plain sight. 

Love, Mom  

Humor

My children don't think I'm funny anymore.  What is it about their impending puberty that makes them lose their sense of humor?!?!    The irony is that they lose their sense of humor, and as a parent, if you don't have one, you'll NEVER survive!

The OTHER Parenting Rights of Passage

We've all come to expect the usual celebrated rights of passage - the first words, the first steps, going off to Kindergarten, etc.   I've discovered that there are other, less celebrated, but equally important events - so I'm going to chronicle them here!  In fact, this list serves an important function to reassure us that our children are normal and that we are not the first parents to have to deal with this stuff!

Parenting Rites of Passage - Part I

1)  The first haircut - that they give themselves.    Scissors are fascinating to children.  Given the opportunity, they will test them to the full extent of available materials - including their, or their unsuspecting sibling's, hair.  The timing of the haircut will be the most inconvenient possible - let's face it, if we weren't crazy busy and wrapped up in other things, our kids would have never been left alone, with access to scissors, long enough for anything untoward to happen.  The result is invariably the inspiration for some of the hairstyles one sees in runway fashion shows.
2)  Yelling "You've ruined my life!" in a fit of anger.   My daughter did this at 5.  I thought, "Wow! That was easy! My work here is done."
3)  Declaring "You need to take me to the craft store to get <insert item here> for my project" the night before said project, which they had never mentioned before, is due.   We just went through this.  I was in denial that my kids would ever pull this.  I don't know why.
4)  Criticizing your clothing.  My daughter just started this, except that she chooses to insult the outfits that I know are nice - because I get compliments on them all the time.  She's still working on her fashion sense.   Since she requested the face painter at a recent school event give her a uni-brow, mustache, and goatee, I think it may be a while.
5)  Learning about the power of swear words.   We have now had entire dinner conversations about swearing, what swear words mean, why are they considered taboo etc.  So far my kids are more likely to correct me for swearing than the reverse.   I prefer it that way, but I'm pretty sure my mother would prefer I didn't swear so much!
6) Your children discover music that you hate.  No matter how cool your think your musical tastes are, your children will find that special genre of Pop-Opera-Techno-Country that will make your skin crawl.   Usually around 4 or 5th grade a particular radio station will be deemed the "cool" station by the forces at school that determine such things.  This radio station is in no way "cool" or even "good", but it will be requested on all car trips.  Pray that it has a short range.   Don't delude yourself that their MP3 player or portable radio will save you.  It won't.  They will find a reason that entire vehicle needs to listen.  Loudly.

You need to do something other than play video games all day...

Dear Son,

    I know you'd rather play video games in the dark all day.  However, as a parent I am obligated to make you play outside when the weather is nice. While it was a creative attempt to exert your will on the Universe, threatening me with a Lego Crucifix will not make me go away.

Love, Mom

PS - the hissing was a nice touch.

Ketchup

Dear Children,
Ketchup is a tasty addition to so many foods.
However your recent behavior indicates that we need to establish some ground rules regarding the aforementioned condiment:

  Ketchup is not a weapon.
  Ketchup is not a beverage.
  Ketchup is not a finger food.
  Ketchup is not makeup.

Thank you.