You need to do something other than play video games all day...

Dear Son,

    I know you'd rather play video games in the dark all day.  However, as a parent I am obligated to make you play outside when the weather is nice. While it was a creative attempt to exert your will on the Universe, threatening me with a Lego Crucifix will not make me go away.

Love, Mom

PS - the hissing was a nice touch.

Ketchup

Dear Children,
Ketchup is a tasty addition to so many foods.
However your recent behavior indicates that we need to establish some ground rules regarding the aforementioned condiment:

  Ketchup is not a weapon.
  Ketchup is not a beverage.
  Ketchup is not a finger food.
  Ketchup is not makeup.

Thank you.