Dear <that's a lychee nut, honey> Children,
Please accept <no I don't know if they have any cheese from Wisconsin> my apologies <your brother gets to push the cart first> for being, <slow down with the cart!> as you put it, 'crabby' <I know you like to be silly and loud but the grocery store is not the place to do that you need to act like a 7th grader> at the grocery <do not stick your finger through the plastic on the hamburger!> store this <no we don't need orange juice, we already have some please put it back> evening. I <let your sister push the cart it's her turn.> don't know <Shoot! I forgot blueberries, can you go back and get some? Yes, I will stay in this aisle so you don't lose me> what could <no, I'm not buying you soda> have possibly <push the cart with BOTH FEET on the ground! It is not a scooter!> caused my foul mood <you almost hit that person, I told you to push the cart slowly> as we had lots of <I already said no, I am not going to change my mind!> time and you were <seriously, you have to go to the bathroom again?> behaving in an <please don't wear the bag of chocolate chips as a hat> angelic fashion as always.
Love, <Go stand in line with your father, I'm trying to pick out a toothbrush!>
Mom
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The OTHER Parenting Rights of Passage
We've all come to expect the usual celebrated rights of passage - the first words, the first steps, going off to Kindergarten, etc. I've discovered that there are other, less celebrated, but equally important events - so I'm going to chronicle them here! In fact, this list serves an important function to reassure us that our children are normal and that we are not the first parents to have to deal with this stuff!
Parenting Rites of Passage - Part I
1) The first haircut - that they give themselves. Scissors are fascinating to children. Given the opportunity, they will test them to the full extent of available materials - including their, or their unsuspecting sibling's, hair. The timing of the haircut will be the most inconvenient possible - let's face it, if we weren't crazy busy and wrapped up in other things, our kids would have never been left alone, with access to scissors, long enough for anything untoward to happen. The result is invariably the inspiration for some of the hairstyles one sees in runway fashion shows.
2) Yelling "You've ruined my life!" in a fit of anger. My daughter did this at 5. I thought, "Wow! That was easy! My work here is done."
3) Declaring "You need to take me to the craft store to get <insert item here> for my project" the night before said project, which they had never mentioned before, is due. We just went through this. I was in denial that my kids would ever pull this. I don't know why.
4) Criticizing your clothing. My daughter just started this, except that she chooses to insult the outfits that I know are nice - because I get compliments on them all the time. She's still working on her fashion sense. Since she requested the face painter at a recent school event give her a uni-brow, mustache, and goatee, I think it may be a while.
5) Learning about the power of swear words. We have now had entire dinner conversations about swearing, what swear words mean, why are they considered taboo etc. So far my kids are more likely to correct me for swearing than the reverse. I prefer it that way, but I'm pretty sure my mother would prefer I didn't swear so much!
6) Your children discover music that you hate. No matter how cool your think your musical tastes are, your children will find that special genre of Pop-Opera-Techno-Country that will make your skin crawl. Usually around 4 or 5th grade a particular radio station will be deemed the "cool" station by the forces at school that determine such things. This radio station is in no way "cool" or even "good", but it will be requested on all car trips. Pray that it has a short range. Don't delude yourself that their MP3 player or portable radio will save you. It won't. They will find a reason that entire vehicle needs to listen. Loudly.
Parenting Rites of Passage - Part I
1) The first haircut - that they give themselves. Scissors are fascinating to children. Given the opportunity, they will test them to the full extent of available materials - including their, or their unsuspecting sibling's, hair. The timing of the haircut will be the most inconvenient possible - let's face it, if we weren't crazy busy and wrapped up in other things, our kids would have never been left alone, with access to scissors, long enough for anything untoward to happen. The result is invariably the inspiration for some of the hairstyles one sees in runway fashion shows.
2) Yelling "You've ruined my life!" in a fit of anger. My daughter did this at 5. I thought, "Wow! That was easy! My work here is done."
3) Declaring "You need to take me to the craft store to get <insert item here> for my project" the night before said project, which they had never mentioned before, is due. We just went through this. I was in denial that my kids would ever pull this. I don't know why.
4) Criticizing your clothing. My daughter just started this, except that she chooses to insult the outfits that I know are nice - because I get compliments on them all the time. She's still working on her fashion sense. Since she requested the face painter at a recent school event give her a uni-brow, mustache, and goatee, I think it may be a while.
5) Learning about the power of swear words. We have now had entire dinner conversations about swearing, what swear words mean, why are they considered taboo etc. So far my kids are more likely to correct me for swearing than the reverse. I prefer it that way, but I'm pretty sure my mother would prefer I didn't swear so much!
6) Your children discover music that you hate. No matter how cool your think your musical tastes are, your children will find that special genre of Pop-Opera-Techno-Country that will make your skin crawl. Usually around 4 or 5th grade a particular radio station will be deemed the "cool" station by the forces at school that determine such things. This radio station is in no way "cool" or even "good", but it will be requested on all car trips. Pray that it has a short range. Don't delude yourself that their MP3 player or portable radio will save you. It won't. They will find a reason that entire vehicle needs to listen. Loudly.
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