I am your Mother. I am not ... #2 (no not THAT #2, although I'm not that either....)

I am your Mother - I am not a pack mule.  Yes, I am the one who is holding our place in line to get popcorn while you all go to the bathroom before the movie.   That does not mean that I also want to hold all your stuff!  Just take your sweatshirts, book, purse, and 3D glasses with you!  You've piled it in my arms so high, I will be forced to dance the "Don't Drop the Stuff Tango" while trying to get money out to pay for the popcorn.   And, Dear Son, you have no right to get mad if I lose your place in your book when you place it precariously on top of the stuff in my arms. Why did you bring a book to the movies anyway?!?

The Rules Have Not Changed!

Dear Children,
    Eating in the living room is against the rules. It has been for a long time and this rule has not changed.  Yes, occasionally I'll bend the rules and allow us to have popcorn on the sofa, or even dinner for a special treat.  And yes, when you're ill I let you eat in the living room so you don't have to move.  These are special occasions and do not indicate a permanent modification of the rules.
    "Why?", you may ask, "Do I not allow you to consume tasty morsels while comfortably ensconced on the sofa, partaking of your favorite animated entertainment?"  My answer, dear children, can be summed up in one word - CRUMBS.  You leave crumbs.  No matter what you are eating, or how carefully you claim to eat it, you leave crumbs!  Crumbs everywhere - Sticking to my feet or my arms or my legs, trapped in the back of my knees.....  AAAUGH! It's awful!  NO. MORE. CRUMBS!
Love,
 Mom

PS - I allow you to have fruit in the living room, but only because fruit does not produce crumbs.  However, if start finding sticky spots ....

Parental Rite of Passage - #10 - The Rear View Mirror Glare Stare...

10)  You are driving along the road, and innocently look into the rear view mirror only to see the angry sullen eyes of the child that you FORCED to come along with you.   Whatever the reason they had to come along, they are annoyed with you and are staring at the back of your head, hoping to telepathically relay how angry they are that they are forced to attend this trip into stupidity.

Today I made my daughter come along with me to my hair appointment because she's not quite old enough to be home alone, while I'm that far away, for that long.  She positioned herself in the middle of the back seat of the minivan - which really maximized the effect of the rear view mirror glare stare.  Today I handled it by turning around at a stop light and making faces at her until she cracked a smile.  I'm thinking that won't work a second time.

Frisky Hairbrushes...

Dear Daughter,
        Demanding that I "Hand over the hairbrush!"  does not change what I already told you - I do not have the hair brush, nor do I know where it is.  Feel free to frisk me if you don't believe that I'm not hiding it on my person.    Of course that joke isn't funny if you don't know what "frisk" means.  I guess I should have you watch more police shows.

Love Mom

Car Safety Rules

Dear Children,

        Please keep all of your body parts inside the car at all times.  While killing mosquitoes is always considered admirable, we would prefer you do not do it with your face at 65 miles an hour.

Thank you!
Your Parents

Parental Rite of Passage - #9 You Are Officially an Idiot.

9)  The first time your child looks at you with that look of annoyance and pity that says "How can you be so clueless?  I can't believe I am your offspring, because I'm so smart and with it and know what I'm talking about - but you?  You are completely out of touch and have no idea.  It's so embarrassing!"

I still have not gotten this look from my son and I am savoring the remaining days until it happens.   My daughter came out of the womb dubious of my parental qualifications and abilities.   Of course, she had a 9 month amniotic-fluid-muffled preview.  Apparently she wasn't impressed.

Time to get ready for bed!

Dear Daughter,

     Why do you act so surprised and confused when we tell you it's time to get ready for bed?  You always seem baffled by our request.  It appears that you have no idea what "getting ready for bed" actually involves.  Yet, it happens every night at the same time and it is comprised of the same 3 activities!  This list has not changed in quite some time -  Brush your teeth, go potty, and get in your bed!  I don't even care what you wear to bed, I'm not that picky.  "Getting ready for bed" happens with such regularity that you could plan your day around it (I know I do).  Is the problem that, at 9 years old, you can only remember the last 23 hours of your life and therefore truly have no recollection of what you did last night at this time?  

PS - I know that you never really brushed your teeth last night, even though you told me you did.  I was just to tired to care.

I am your Mother. I am not ...

...a tissue.   I realize that I am easier to spot and generally in closer proximity to you than a box of tissues.  But seriously - EEEW!  I am you Mother, I am not a tissue!   I have enough trouble keeping my shirts clean on my own.  I do not need your assistance.