Rite of Passage - Radio Wars

My son has recently been deemed old enough and big enough to ride in the front seat of the car.  The benefit of this is that I no longer feel like a chauffeur when it's just me and the kids in the car.  The downside is that it puts my son within arms reach of the radio controls.  Every time he sits in the front seat he immediately wants to put on this pop crap radio station.  <shiver>  I can only hear so many songs about bimbos and partying, or partying bimbos, or losing ones partying bimbo, before I want to find the 'artists' and burn their cheesy drum machines and make them eat their auto-tuners!  Due to my refusal to listen to this station, he's tried several tactics to try and change the station when he thinks I am not paying attention.  As a result, he has learned that his Mother has excellent peripheral vision and lightning reflexes.  I am NINJA Mom!

Laundry Baskets

Dear Children,
   I admit it.  Your father and I are guilty of setting a bad example.  We have been guilty of putting off folding the laundry.  We have gone for days choosing our outfits from the unfolded laundry in the baskets.  I now see that this was an unintended bad example that we must now rectify.  For the record:  laundry baskets are not intended for permanent storage of clothing.  You have been supplied with a closet* and a dresser* for this purpose.    Therefore, when we put a basket of folded laundry in your room, it is (and always has been) expected that you will put the laundry away.  So please, put your laundry away.  I need an empty basket for the load of underwear that just finished.

Love,
Mom

*In case you have trouble finding them: The closet is the rectangular inset in your wall with the slide-y doors.  It currently is full of the stuff you pushed in there when you 'cleaned' your room.  The dresser is the large rectangular block next to your book cases with the drawers.  The drawers open and you can put stuff in them.  It is not, as you seem to believe, a fancy raised platform for your dirty dishes.

Antique? No, that can't possibly be considered an antique!

My daughter wants a typewriter for Christmas.  Lately she's been fascinated by 'older' technology.  She found her Dad's old ketchup bottle shaped telephone in the basement recently.  She brought it upstairs and insisted we plug it in.  For the next several days she made all her calls from that phone and quickly found solutions to the limitations of an old phone - lack of mobility and the need to remember phone numbers.  So, now she wants a typewriter.  When I was her age (10) typewriters were ubiquitous.  PC's and word processing were in their infancy.  I can understand her fascination with that satisfying clicky clack of the keys.  However, typewriters are hard to come by these days.  When I mentioned that they didn't make typewriters anymore, she simply said "Look in an antique store."  OUCH!

Imitations or Reflections?

Never allow a 10 year old to do an impression of you.  They will mock your Diet Coke habit* and then continue with a very unflattering interpretation of household politics and policies.  Although it does provide confirmation of what I've suspected all along - they do hear what I say, they just choose to ignore it.   I am also a supreme nag.    

*Maybe that's just me.

Symbolic Hatred

Dear Daughter,
      I respect your clothing choices of comfort over trendy fashion.  However there is one area where we disagree.  Other than some minor functionality and safety concerns due to their loose fit, there isn't technically anything wrong, but I still hate them.    They represent hundreds of dollars spent on better stuff that was discarded after the novelty wore off, only to have you go back to the known convenience and comfort.  They represent the arguments over a more appropriate alternative for an upcoming activity, only to have you ignore me and then complain when you get hurt.  They represent bad grades in gym for coming 'unprepared'.   So I have decided - as a symbol of the footwear related aggravation and grief I have endured on your behalf, your Crocs must die!

Love,
Mom

PS - I had hoped that while we were camping they would have somehow found their way too close to the fire, but there were always too many witnesses.

Optimism

Dear Husband,
      I genuinely appreciate that you put the children to bed.  You understand that by 9pm,  I have the patience of a bull at a rodeo.  However, in my recollection, our children have never stayed in bed once they've been put there.  And yet, every night you put them in bed and head down to your man cave as if you're thinking 'TONIGHT is the night they stay put and don't get up 100 times'.    Your optimism is adorable!

Love, Your Wife.

I would have taken your word for it.....

Dear Daughter,

      While I appreciate your attempts to eat vegetables, I would have taken your word for it that the celery had gone bad.  Really.

Love, Mom

(If you can't quite make out the writing on the note, it says 'Barf')

Weapon of Revenge?

Dear Son,
      I admit that I was being obnoxious.   I was dancing around the kitchen and singing while you were trying to play a video game.   I also admit that, yes, it was probably my fault that your guy died when I whispered the lyrics in your ear and kissed you on the neck.  However,  that does not excuse using biological weapons to retaliate.  Farts are not weapons of revenge!

Love Mom

New Name....

Dear Children,
    You have used up your daily allotment of the word "Mom".  If you would desire my attention at any point during the rest of the day, you need to address me in the following way: "Dearest Mother, generous woman who gave me life, giver of all good things, maker of cookies,  I humbly beseech you to grant me a few moments of your precious time and patience."     Your 'Mom' allotment resets at midnight.  I suggest you use it wisely tomorrow.

Love, Mom (I still get to use the word, so there!)

PS - Bowing and curtsying and unsolicited cleaning are also encouraged to earn my favor.

Evil Fighting Fashions...

Dear Daughter and BFF,
    I applaud your desire to become superheros and purge the evil from the world.  However, I have to caution you regarding your current design ideas regarding your crime fighting disguise.   I recommend that you avoid wearing anything that may interfere with your ability to fight crime.  In other words, you need to rethink the tube tops.

Love Mom

PS -  Your brother is NOT evil.  There should be no attempts to purge him.  You have been warned.

I am your Mother. I am not ... #2 (no not THAT #2, although I'm not that either....)

I am your Mother - I am not a pack mule.  Yes, I am the one who is holding our place in line to get popcorn while you all go to the bathroom before the movie.   That does not mean that I also want to hold all your stuff!  Just take your sweatshirts, book, purse, and 3D glasses with you!  You've piled it in my arms so high, I will be forced to dance the "Don't Drop the Stuff Tango" while trying to get money out to pay for the popcorn.   And, Dear Son, you have no right to get mad if I lose your place in your book when you place it precariously on top of the stuff in my arms. Why did you bring a book to the movies anyway?!?

The Rules Have Not Changed!

Dear Children,
    Eating in the living room is against the rules. It has been for a long time and this rule has not changed.  Yes, occasionally I'll bend the rules and allow us to have popcorn on the sofa, or even dinner for a special treat.  And yes, when you're ill I let you eat in the living room so you don't have to move.  These are special occasions and do not indicate a permanent modification of the rules.
    "Why?", you may ask, "Do I not allow you to consume tasty morsels while comfortably ensconced on the sofa, partaking of your favorite animated entertainment?"  My answer, dear children, can be summed up in one word - CRUMBS.  You leave crumbs.  No matter what you are eating, or how carefully you claim to eat it, you leave crumbs!  Crumbs everywhere - Sticking to my feet or my arms or my legs, trapped in the back of my knees.....  AAAUGH! It's awful!  NO. MORE. CRUMBS!
Love,
 Mom

PS - I allow you to have fruit in the living room, but only because fruit does not produce crumbs.  However, if start finding sticky spots ....

Parental Rite of Passage - #10 - The Rear View Mirror Glare Stare...

10)  You are driving along the road, and innocently look into the rear view mirror only to see the angry sullen eyes of the child that you FORCED to come along with you.   Whatever the reason they had to come along, they are annoyed with you and are staring at the back of your head, hoping to telepathically relay how angry they are that they are forced to attend this trip into stupidity.

Today I made my daughter come along with me to my hair appointment because she's not quite old enough to be home alone, while I'm that far away, for that long.  She positioned herself in the middle of the back seat of the minivan - which really maximized the effect of the rear view mirror glare stare.  Today I handled it by turning around at a stop light and making faces at her until she cracked a smile.  I'm thinking that won't work a second time.

Frisky Hairbrushes...

Dear Daughter,
        Demanding that I "Hand over the hairbrush!"  does not change what I already told you - I do not have the hair brush, nor do I know where it is.  Feel free to frisk me if you don't believe that I'm not hiding it on my person.    Of course that joke isn't funny if you don't know what "frisk" means.  I guess I should have you watch more police shows.

Love Mom

Car Safety Rules

Dear Children,

        Please keep all of your body parts inside the car at all times.  While killing mosquitoes is always considered admirable, we would prefer you do not do it with your face at 65 miles an hour.

Thank you!
Your Parents

Parental Rite of Passage - #9 You Are Officially an Idiot.

9)  The first time your child looks at you with that look of annoyance and pity that says "How can you be so clueless?  I can't believe I am your offspring, because I'm so smart and with it and know what I'm talking about - but you?  You are completely out of touch and have no idea.  It's so embarrassing!"

I still have not gotten this look from my son and I am savoring the remaining days until it happens.   My daughter came out of the womb dubious of my parental qualifications and abilities.   Of course, she had a 9 month amniotic-fluid-muffled preview.  Apparently she wasn't impressed.

Time to get ready for bed!

Dear Daughter,

     Why do you act so surprised and confused when we tell you it's time to get ready for bed?  You always seem baffled by our request.  It appears that you have no idea what "getting ready for bed" actually involves.  Yet, it happens every night at the same time and it is comprised of the same 3 activities!  This list has not changed in quite some time -  Brush your teeth, go potty, and get in your bed!  I don't even care what you wear to bed, I'm not that picky.  "Getting ready for bed" happens with such regularity that you could plan your day around it (I know I do).  Is the problem that, at 9 years old, you can only remember the last 23 hours of your life and therefore truly have no recollection of what you did last night at this time?  

PS - I know that you never really brushed your teeth last night, even though you told me you did.  I was just to tired to care.

I am your Mother. I am not ...

...a tissue.   I realize that I am easier to spot and generally in closer proximity to you than a box of tissues.  But seriously - EEEW!  I am you Mother, I am not a tissue!   I have enough trouble keeping my shirts clean on my own.  I do not need your assistance.

Looked Everywhere?

Dear Children,

    We seem to have a misunderstanding regarding the meaning of the word 'everywhere'.   This has become apparent during the last several episodes of "Mom!  I can't find <insert item here>!  I've looked everywhere!".  You seem to think that 'everywhere' means "the view from your bedroom doorway for a duration of 3 seconds".   I'm not sure where you acquired that definition, but I would be remiss in my parental duties if I didn't correct  this.  

   "Everywhere" as defined by our old pal Webster's as "in every place or part".  To be more specific "every" is defined as "all possible".  Therefore "everywhere" means "in all possible places or parts".  

    When you come to me all panicked because you can't find something and you tell me you've 'looked everywhere in your room', I am assuming you have, in fact, looked 'in all possible places' in your room.    Yet, it becomes obvious, when I find the missing item quickly be looking under the dirty towels on the floor, that you did not actually 'look everywhere'.  I know I am "the Great Finder of Lost Things", but lets save the super power for things that are not hiding in plain sight. 

Love, Mom  

Parental Rite of Passage - #8 Rule Breaking

8) -  Your child pushes the boundaries, finds a loophole, or just blatantly breaks a rule in such a creative way that you are impressed, horrified, and tempted to let them get away with it, all at the same time.  This morning my son woke me up at 6 am to notify me that he was starting his 6 hours of electronics free time  then - at 6 am.  He then promptly went back to bed.  Technically, yes, sleeping does not involve the use of electronics.  Well played, my boy, well played....

Nesting

A few years ago we built our son a loft.   It was a delusional attempt to help him keep his room clean by giving him more floor and shelf space.  Even though that particular experiment was an abysmal failure, it did allow us to study the aerial nesting habits of the American Tween.  Yes, I said "nesting".  I have long held a hypothesis that there are many similarities between children and critters.  Anyone who has had a dog and a toddler at the same time can't help but notice the similarities!  When left to his own devices, my son 'feathers his nest'.   He fills up the space next to the wall with books, electronics, laundry (the state of which is heretofore unknown), and empty (I hope) cups.  To the untrained eye, it could be interpreted that he "keeps crap in his loft".  To the parent-naturalist this is a gold mine!

We're LATE!

Dear Daughter,
  I apologize for my assumption that your being outside on the swings meant that you were ready for school.   It had never occurred to me that you would be swinging as a form of primitive hair drying prior to eating your breakfast.   As creative as that is, we are now late and you have not eaten.  Rolling your eyes, as if I'm the crazy one, will not turn back the clock.  Get in the car!!

Love,
Mom

Pillow Fight

Children!

I have not authorized a pillow fight!  You have not filed the proper paperwork with the household government.  Therefore you are in violation of household statute XT3752.49.   Therefore, any and all complaints regarding injuries or unfair play will be ignored.

Thank-you.
Mom

Humor

My children don't think I'm funny anymore.  What is it about their impending puberty that makes them lose their sense of humor?!?!    The irony is that they lose their sense of humor, and as a parent, if you don't have one, you'll NEVER survive!

Laundry

Dear Children,
     Contrary to popular belief, leaving your clothing on your bedroom floor does not somehow, magically result in clean clothing.   The floor of your bedroom is not some miraculous, flat, carpeted washer/dryer combo.  I realize that the confusion may lie in the fact that you never put your clean clothing away, so it inevitably ends up on the floor mingling with the dirty clothing.  What's dirty? What's clean?  Does rubbing the dirty clothes against the clean ones result in cleaner dirty clothes? What are the transitive properties of laundry?  I, too, have contributed to this confusion since I have, on occasion, ventured into your room to collect dirty laundry, which once clean, I have placed with your other clean clothing for you to put away.    
     There is, however, a magical floor in the bathroom that will result in clean clothing - it is at the bottom of the laundry chute!  This remarkable place exists a mere 5 feet from your bedroom doors!  Kick your clothing that extra distance and you'll be amazed!

Mom

Okay, okay!

You say 'Okay, okay', as if you understand.
But I know what you really mean is "Mom, please shut up so I can go and off and ignore what you just said".

The OTHER Parenting Rights of Passage

We've all come to expect the usual celebrated rights of passage - the first words, the first steps, going off to Kindergarten, etc.   I've discovered that there are other, less celebrated, but equally important events - so I'm going to chronicle them here!  In fact, this list serves an important function to reassure us that our children are normal and that we are not the first parents to have to deal with this stuff!

Parenting Rites of Passage - Part I

1)  The first haircut - that they give themselves.    Scissors are fascinating to children.  Given the opportunity, they will test them to the full extent of available materials - including their, or their unsuspecting sibling's, hair.  The timing of the haircut will be the most inconvenient possible - let's face it, if we weren't crazy busy and wrapped up in other things, our kids would have never been left alone, with access to scissors, long enough for anything untoward to happen.  The result is invariably the inspiration for some of the hairstyles one sees in runway fashion shows.
2)  Yelling "You've ruined my life!" in a fit of anger.   My daughter did this at 5.  I thought, "Wow! That was easy! My work here is done."
3)  Declaring "You need to take me to the craft store to get <insert item here> for my project" the night before said project, which they had never mentioned before, is due.   We just went through this.  I was in denial that my kids would ever pull this.  I don't know why.
4)  Criticizing your clothing.  My daughter just started this, except that she chooses to insult the outfits that I know are nice - because I get compliments on them all the time.  She's still working on her fashion sense.   Since she requested the face painter at a recent school event give her a uni-brow, mustache, and goatee, I think it may be a while.
5)  Learning about the power of swear words.   We have now had entire dinner conversations about swearing, what swear words mean, why are they considered taboo etc.  So far my kids are more likely to correct me for swearing than the reverse.   I prefer it that way, but I'm pretty sure my mother would prefer I didn't swear so much!
6) Your children discover music that you hate.  No matter how cool your think your musical tastes are, your children will find that special genre of Pop-Opera-Techno-Country that will make your skin crawl.   Usually around 4 or 5th grade a particular radio station will be deemed the "cool" station by the forces at school that determine such things.  This radio station is in no way "cool" or even "good", but it will be requested on all car trips.  Pray that it has a short range.   Don't delude yourself that their MP3 player or portable radio will save you.  It won't.  They will find a reason that entire vehicle needs to listen.  Loudly.

Inventions...

This morning my son handed me something to put in his backpack while he went to go brush his teeth.
Why he didn't put it in his backpack himself on his way from the kitchen to the bathroom - since he had to walk right past it - I'll never know.   Regardless,  I'm a nice Mom so I agreed to do it.  I was in the middle of some critical web surfing at the time so it took me a minute to get to it.  He still had 8 minutes before the bus, there was plenty of time for me to walk the 5 feet from the table to where his backpack lay on the floor and insert said item.  During this minute and 1/2 of delay in completing my assigned task my dear son wasn't actually off brushing his teeth, he was regaling me with a diatribe on toothbrushes.  Perhaps talking about them is akin to using them in the mind of an 11 year old?  At the point where he realized I hadn't yet jumped up to complete my aforementioned errand, he stopped his tale of toothbrushes, and said "Well?!?!?!?"   Suitably humbled, I got up to complete my task and he continued discussing toothbrushes.  While I was unzipping his backpack, he came up behind me and said "Do you know what they should
invent?!"   Patient children, my friend.  They should invent patient children.

You need to do something other than play video games all day...

Dear Son,

    I know you'd rather play video games in the dark all day.  However, as a parent I am obligated to make you play outside when the weather is nice. While it was a creative attempt to exert your will on the Universe, threatening me with a Lego Crucifix will not make me go away.

Love, Mom

PS - the hissing was a nice touch.

Ketchup

Dear Children,
Ketchup is a tasty addition to so many foods.
However your recent behavior indicates that we need to establish some ground rules regarding the aforementioned condiment:

  Ketchup is not a weapon.
  Ketchup is not a beverage.
  Ketchup is not a finger food.
  Ketchup is not makeup.

Thank you.